I don’t think there is anything more uncomfortable for me than sitting in a group of people and expecting to contribute to the flow of small talk. If my energy is up, and I feel comfortable with the group, I can keep up with the flow for a short time. But it really does take a lot of concentration, and being very watchful of what I might say wrong. After about a half-hour, I can really feel drained by a free-form session of small talk.
Imagine this: small talk is a little like a free for all game of badminton: everybody has a racquet and tries to keep the little birdie up in the air. If the birdy falls on the ground, then, well, the game pauses, and nobody likes that.
Now when I was issued my small-talk racquet, it had no webbing. And for some reason, the birdy is painted red, and I have been fitted with some red-filter glasses.
Now imagine me playing the aspies game of small-talk: I can barely make out the birdy, because it is the same color as my aspie glasses: when someone makes a statement in the small -talk conversation, it takes me just a slight bit longer to process it that the rest of the group.
And when the birdy does come my way and I try to hit it with my racquet, the birdy often goes totally wrong and falls on the floor or hits someone on the nose. So, in the game of small talk, I need to be especially careful when I speak to not say anything that’s going to break up the flow.
In the many decades of my life, I have learned some basic skills, some “tape-loops” that always seem acceptable, and I have learned to just not get too concerned.
I have a much easier time when there is a clear focus to the topics, like in a forum or meeting, but then it isn’t small talk, is it. And the real social bonds seem to come mainly from the small talk.